If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
