dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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