if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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