I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
We need to rekindle our bromance
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Randomize
