and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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