So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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