dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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