omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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