I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
