did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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