haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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