Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
