my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
