I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
