I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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