WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
