you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
