allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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