God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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