Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
