Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
