i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
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She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
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The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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