Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
