Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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