I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
