I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I could make wine with my vomit
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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