i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
