How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
