i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
sick fucks of a feather flock together
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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