If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
