my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
