Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
