Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I deserve this hangover.
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