i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
