not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
