drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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