There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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