Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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