he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I need water and some morals
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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