I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize