Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
