Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
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never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
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Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
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