remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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