But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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