The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
