I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
