why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
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