Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
