i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
