saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
