I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Go christen that room with your naked body.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
