I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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