My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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